Some 'News' Should Be Unworthy To Print

I’m not exactly sure why, but I find my amazed on a daily basis by some of what seems to constitute ‘news’ here in the good ‘ole U-S of A. And I’m not talking about issues like the bird flu, natural disasters or updates on the (bullshit) war in Iraq, and the further loss of our soldier’s lives…

No, I’m talking about other of life’s important news/issues, which warrant front page headlines, repeated ticker-tape news scrolls, and ‘coming up on news at 7’ teasers on major media outlets. Like celebrity weddings & divorces, celebrity spats & pissing matches, news of celebrity babies taking their first solid shit, and the like….

Take today, for instance. Both CNN & MSNBC have links touting the amazing feat that was Madonna getting back on a horse for the first time since her accident this summer, courtesy of the David Letterman show. Stop the fucking presses!! This is some seriously noteworthy news here. What would our daily lives amount to, if we were not provided such vital information that must be important to the world at large? I could give two flying fucks if video surfaced showing Madonna having an orgy with the cast of Guy Ritchie’s next movie, let alone caring about her strength and tenacity that helped put her fears aside enough to take that next big step in the world of post-horse-accident-injuries.

My god!! Someone snagged pictures of what appear to be Jennifer Aniston kissing Vince Vaughn!! Step aside, update on the planned Martin Luther King memorial---we’ve got more pressing matters to discuss!! I mean, we’re talking ‘Vinnifer’ here!

In other news today, Paris Hilton reportedly slams Nicole Richie on her new record. Oh no she dit-nt!! New record? Since when does a leaked video showing your lifeless self laying like a lump of flesh while some other pseudo-celebrity pokes his manhood at you, earn you the sudden pop star ability that others have worked at their entire lives? I guess being a trampy, talentless celebutante gives Paris rights & privileges that us common folk aren’t privy to. Apparently, the track talks about how Richie used Hilton and how she would never be famous without the party-loving blonde, according to a pal, who adds, "As she was playing it to me, she was just laughing and said, 'This one's all about Nicole!'" Maybe I’m missing something, and this really is more important than the hundreds of thousands of job losses due to recent hurricanes.

Such ‘news’ stories really should be confined to the ‘E’ Entertainment channel & website, so that Ted Casablanca (I’ll be the bastard gave himself that last name) can be the one to break these oh-so-important ‘Ted-bits’ to the world. God, I’d like to punch that man in the face as he’s talking celebrity news out of the side of his mouth in that weird way that he talks so self importantly. Seriously, these ‘E’ folks have convinced themselves, and many throughout the world, that celebrity goings on are newsworthy material enough to warrant a friggin’ network television station. Am I the only person who could care less whether or not the birth of TomKat’s child will be a Scientology* birth? Or that Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, was raced to the hospital from the set of Boston Legal after complaining of some lower back pain? Nobody cares if I get a pimple on my ass, so why am I supposed to care about the everyday meanderings and activities of the rich and famous??

* The couple would have to maintain a vigil of total silence in the delivery suite. The organization believes pregnant women must not scream during labor as it is apparently traumatic for babies. The bizarre ritual - which Scientologists believe should be carried out to prevent children from turning mad. Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard tells his followers in his book 'Dianetics': "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child and safeguard the home to which they will go.”