People & Things That Annoy Me

Ø People who get on an escalator and then stand on the step(s) as opposed to walking up/down while the escalator is in motion…

(Are we that fucking lazy that we need the escalator to do all of the work for us? I bet you’d be happier if someone invented an escalator that actually helped you on & off, as to have one less thing to worry about.)


Ø Bigots, homophobes, folks who abuse women & children, and religious zealots

(All you ever needed was to be hugged and told you are loved by mommy & daddy. And a punch in the head)


Ø Idiots on the highway who don’t use their fucking blinker…

(The blinker is that little ‘stick-looking thingy’ that juts out from the left side of your steering wheel, genius. You’re supposed to use it to indicate to those of us on the road behind you who do not have ESP that you are planning on moving into another lane)


Ø J-Lo, Jessica & Ashlee Simpson, Shakira, Penelope Cruz, Carson Daly, Carrot Top,

(I just don’t like ‘em. Talentless hacks, blowholes & stinkpigs galore)


Ø Forwarded emails of bullshit pyramid schemes, false/erroneous gross-out or inspirational stories & urban legends…

(C’mon, people—it doesn’t take someone with a Mensa level IQ to Google these things and determine if the stories, offers, etc, are true, before taking them as gospel & forwarding them on to 115 people, expecting in return a funny dancing cartoon character on your desktop, a check from Bill Gates, or a special wish granted before the end of the day)


Ø Moochers

(Especially at shows/concerts. I planned ahead & bought tickets to the show ahead of time. No you can’t have my extra ticket for free, simply because you expect me to give it to you. Feel free to get pissed at me, too, when you ask me if I’ll give it to you for $5 and I say no. What’s that? Do I have a smoke you can bum? No, ‘brother,’ I don’t smoke. And no, you can’t have one of my wife’s. Sorry, I don’t have an extra beer on me, either. I just bought this from a vendor at Shakedown…walk your ass down there & buy one yourself. Oh, I see….your friend’s car broke down at the last show or one of your buddy’s was arrested, so you’re panhandling for bail money. Still can’t have a beer)*


Ø People who read over my shoulder when unprompted to do so by me

(Get your own damn book, newspaper, magazine, laptop, etc)


Ø Top 40 cover bands made up of musicians with arrogant attitudes

(Gimme a break!! You’re a band who exclusively plays other artists’ material!! Shitty material at that! Where do you get off thumbing your nose at me like you’re Jim Fuckin’ Morrison?? Okay, pseudo-celebrity boy, leave me alone & go play some Nickleback for the crowd. I’m sure I could find my voice in a bottle of bourbon & insist to people that I am as cool as Jack Daniels himself, but in the morning when I sober up, I’m just Lance again. But at least the night before, I wrote my own original song. With armpit farts for basslines. Now that’s talent!)



* Mind you, I’m more than happy to kick a beer or nug down to kind ‘Heads and kinfolk who give back to the scene in their own way. I just have problems with the kids who expect too much for too little. Or nothing at all, yet refuse to give a little of themselves.